Insulin myths: Insulin and carbohydrates fat loss myth and a lesson on Insulin and glucagon

INSULIN MYTHS DOES INSULIN MAKE YOU FAT AND DOES GLUCAGON BURN FAT?


Oh insulin, where art thou? Insulin is deemed as that awkward moment where you do something you think is heroic and want that moment to shine every chance you get but turns out it was bad all along and you just want to keep it so down low that it’s not even uttered a mere word when talked about in regards to weight loss.

Insulin is claimed to stop you from losing fat, much like that awkward guy is stopping you from going to the bathroom. Many people hate it and even call it unhealthy, shunning every single carbohydrate known to man in hopes that they’ll be an ultra-ripped mofo by simply eating nothing but meat and drinking nothing but olive oil all live long day.

insulin myths puny plan

Even the Lord Humungus seems to agree with me here

Prepare to be a bit be-witched and be-dazzled by that mistress we call insulin and it’s other sexy cousin glucagon.

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT IN ALL THINGS CARBY IS INSULIN WHAT’S IT’S ADDRESS AND WHAT DOES IT DO?

When one needs to conquer something or someone they need to learn about their enemy, don’t they? So let’s get some details on who this insulin motherfudger is.

Where is insulin made, where does this mofo live and who does it live with?

Let’s do some private investigative work and let’s take a trip near central and see just what this insulin guy is capable of and the sick ship it is involved in.

The pancreas is where we’re headed, which is located close to the stomach near the abdominal region. It appears that this gangster insulin character is hiding in some pancreatic islets which is also known as the islets of langerhans. Apparently is doing some trades with another hormone slug named glucagon.

What we see here is some hardcore stuff going down. Seems that these islet cells, act as fuel sensors and insulin and glucagon appear to come out during when one eats and when one doesn’t.

Seems that high levels of glucose in the blood makes insulin appear and we see that this insulin drug lord, traffics glucose across the cell homies’ plasma membrane cribs.  Then when this glucose stuff is inside the those houses we call cells,  the glucose is oxidized and used in what can seem to be energy or converted to glycogen for storage uses later on. These cells are getting their high! What an anushole!

insulin myths sexy

Apparently to some people think this is what insulin could look like. In all seriousness though, what the utter fudge? Is this guy taking a picture to impress the girl on the other side of the phone or his homosexual lover? Either way, that’s disturbing and I will need some psychological help after seeing this.

Okay, so without all the gangster speak, in plain English what does it do?

  • Insulin is found in the pancreatic islets also called islets of Langerhans. Glucagon too.
  • It’s a hormone that regulates sugar levels in the blood. When blood sugar levels are elevated, pancreas releases insulin, then the uptake of the glucose from blood is then entered to your liver, muscle and fat cells. The blood glucose levels decline to the set point, and insulin diminishes.
  • So basically, when one eats, insulin is released, and when one doesn’t it is at it’s lowest stages of release.

So is insulin really that bad? Is it this evil that most claim it to be? Is it unhealthy?

Let’s get one thing straight right now. Insulin is NEEDED in the body! It isn’t unhealthy and it isn’t a pedofile in the playground wanting to lure you into his truck with promises of lollies and ice cream. Insulin is needed for the reasons as stated above, in order to ensure your body is brought back to it’s homeostatic balance.

insulin myths candy

It doesn’t have unicorns either don’t you even dare!

Without insulin, blood sugar levels rise to dramatically high levels. If this were to happen, glucose begins to spill in the urine because the kidneys cannot reabsorb it fast enough and as this flushes from the body, water does too, and that causes dehydration. The clinical name for people who suffer this condition is called diabetes mellitus.

Not only that but, even proteins and fats are broken down since cells cannot use glucose and you can imagine what could happen next…You’ll end up being a model on vogue. But also loss of body proteins means your immune system will go to the crapper since that’ll lead to a decreased ability to fight infections!

insulin myths asians

She probably eats more rice than you do and it shows! Definitely not lacking the body protein either!

What is this insulin resistance we hear so much about?

When one has diabetes mellitus or things like adult-onset diabetes they can still produce insulin but for some reason their insuln receptors cannot respond to it. They become hypoglycemic and often need medications to cattle prod those islets in the pancreas to release insulin (increase sensitivity).

So long story short insulin is needed in the body, and it ISN’T exactly an evil thing.

That’s not ALL insulin does however! Did you know it even has more functions such as stimulating your muscles to grow?

Insulin is an ANABOLIC hormone. ” insulin stimulates muscle protein synthesis in humans” (1) Yes you read that right!

A study shows that “With insulin, the enhanced anabolism was due to inhibition of protein degradation (P < 0.02), whereas IGF-I (insulin growth factor-I) augmented anabolism by a further stimulation of protein synthesis”. (13)

In fact, “Insulin-like growth factor 1 (IGF-1) has been shown to rescue the aging-related or inactivity-induced loss of muscle mass through the activation of satellite cells” (14).

In animal studies “Viral expression of IGF-I (insulin growth factor-1) without resistance training produced a 14.8% increase in mass” (12).

insulin myths bodybuilding

A diet that has carbohydrates doesn’t seem to be hurting this guy either. You can learn something from someone with wisdom. This guy’s beard clearly shows his wisdom.

Now what about glucagon? What’s this person’s connection to insulin?

Glucagon is the opposite of insulin. Low blood sugar levels in the blood means this brother from another mother appears.  The liver breaks down glycogen stores and releases glucose in the blood thanks to this hormone. The rising blood glucose levels return blood sugar to the set point and then glucagon disappears back to the bat cave.

So that’s the primer on glucagon and insulin. You now know your enemy, all what you need to know is there. Now that we know what these two gangster hormones do, what exactly is it about them that people believe when it comes to fat loss?

WHERE THE MYTH OF CARBOHYDRATE MEALS SPIKING INSULIN MAKE YOU FAT COME FROM?

Insulin inhibits lipolysis and stimulates lipogenesis. What that means is insulin inhibits the breakdown of fat and promotes the creation of fat. I can hear you saying right now from that explanation…

“ha you motherfudger you! I knew it! You see! Insulin IS the bad guy and the reason I’ve got this fat belly of mine! So carbohydrates should be COMPLETELY avoided when it comes to fat loss because they trigger insulin! Damn you carbohydrates! Damn you and your dog!”

Not so fast there egger McBeaver! Remember before with the myth of fat makes you fat? (You can find that article with low fat diets versus high fat diets for weight loss clicking HERE) Let me first explain why there’s more to it than meets the eye…and hopefully two eyes. Unless you had one poked out through fun and games.

insulin myths allfunandgames

Well….It’s all fun and games till someone loses an eye…then it’s hilarious!

So where does this the myth that insulin through carbohydrates in the diet make you fat and ZERO carbs is the only way to go? From that statement before! By logic, if one stops lipogenesis occurring (creation of fat) and one promotes lipolysis (break down of fat), then one will become a legendary unicorn with wings, 10-pack abs, and veins on top of your veins on your eyelids, and you’ll be one of the legendary 300 and that you’re from Sparta.

insulin myths sparta

Of course we all know that this isn’t true.  So now to go on to what is!

 

The myth of insulin and carbohydrates makes you fat

Let’s first tackle the statement above, the belief that carbohydrate rich foods, which in turn drives insulin, and hence promotes storage of fats and turning you into the opposite of the slenderman.

First of all your body can still store and keep fat even if insulin is low, your body doesn’t need insulin for storing fat. Did you know that FAT can suppress you from losing fat too? I’m serious! There might be those among you right now that’ll want to throw a steak at me, but sure go ahead I’ll gladly eat it and tell you how this happens while I have a mouth full.

Hormone-sensitive lipase (HSL) is an enzyme that breaks down fat. One can have the theory that if carbohydrates were nil and fat and protein were optimal then insulin, which does suppress this hormone, will be all the tactic one needs to burn as much fat as they desire, such as some (and by some I mean many) experts out there saying if you count only carbohydrates you won’t ever get fat…Sorry but I’m going to have to be the anushole equivalent of your friend that cock-blocks you from getting any fun from that girl you were trying your luck with…

insulin myths cockblockcat

You see why I hate cats? What hairy nipples they are! I can at least forgive my friends for cockblocking me out of a joke…well not really. But I can’t forgive a cat. Just look at it! It’s smirking! and it’s looking up at you with it’s eyes saying “pat me” and “feed me”. Clearly isn’t the time, but does it care about your happiness? No! It only cares about his. Frigging selfish bastards. Why can’t I, Cepsy ever be happy? It has to be all about you doesn’t it? What a fluffy anushole.

FAT ALSO SUPPRESSES THIS HORMONE, and not only that, but insulin in studies say “results suggest that insulin is not essential for HSL suppression” (2).

This should make sense by now to you all, when I say that the underlying factor for weight loss and weight gain is HOW MUCH YOU EAT AND BURN DURING THE DAY AND THE QUALITY WHICH YOU EAT. Ignore this rule and no matter what you do, you’ll never get results. If you don’t believe me then go ahead and try eating 10,000 calories worth of fat and protein with zero carbs and I can assure you that you’ll look like a ballchinian off of men in black 2.

insulin myths bullchinian

What about insulin and appetite? Is insulin an appetite stimulant?

This is another myth that has been said throughout. Insulin is shown in MANY experiments that it does NOT increase appetite (3).

In fact, in one study done, they administrated insulin after feeding and found that it curbs appetite but had no effect on satiety when the people in the study were fasting and blood sugar levels were low (4). Carbohydrate metabolism it seems, makes you full (5).

I should also add that studies done on humans when it came to insulin and the feeling of fullness also had the same effect on animal studies. A study shows that when you take away the insulin receptors in the brain of mice, they can and WILL overeat and develop obesity! (6) And for you science nerds (or you guys and girls that just want to sound super smart, because, why not?) the study exactly quoted on that is as follows: “disrupted control of hypothalamic neuropeptide levels and UCP mRNA expression may contribute to the development of obesity.” (6).

So what then causes hunger?

This is going to be a really small summary. What exactly makes people mistake your stomach growling like that crusty old man in the store that doesn’t like you when you look at him funny?

Let’s talk about two hormones, leptin and ghrelin. You might have heard of them before, but if you haven’t here’s a low down how they relate to your hunger levels.

A hormone called Ghrelin, which is also dubbed as the hunger hormone, is produced when growth hormone is at it’s highest, when insulin is at it’s lowest, and when blood sugar levels are low.

So think of things like fasting for instance (and this will fall in line with studies showing when you fast growth hormone is raised). (7). Now keeping that in mind, leptin, the other hormone, which we can dub as the Sargent commander, is the hormone to tell your brain you are full. So what leptin’s job is when it comes to ghrelin, is to inhibit it from being released further.

And glucose, is actually the main thing of leptin secretion (8). So think of it like this; leptin is cock-blocking ghrelin from getting too giddy. Much like how you’d cockblock your friend because you don’t want them getting pregnant or getting anyone else pregnant…Or because he’s a todger to you and you just wanted to get him back for going after that same girl you had your eyes on all night.

Are carbohydrates the only thing that stimulates insulin?

Good lordy, I know for one thing after I say what I’m about to next, I’m going to have to build a bunker with many guns and ammo, a fortress so to speak, because a lot of people will get a bit mad. If you’re one of those extreme no carbohydrate for the rest of your life advocates or carb-cyclers that think carbohydrates are the only thing that stimulate insulin let me tell you straight up and right now: you are 100% absolutely wrong.

Insulin myths taken parody

Apparently am going to be getting calls and hate mails like this

Let me educate you.

One study found that BEEF actually stimulated insulin just as much as BROWN RICE! (9).

In fact, when it comes to protein, an amino acid such as leucine can actually directly make the pancreas secrete insulin. (10).

If your theory was even so much as a moderate protein intake, guess what? You’re still going to be secreting as much insulin as you would if you ate a serving of brown rice. We can all universally agree we need all essential amino acids in our body right? So it’s going to happen whether you like it or not that insulin will be there.

Glucagon a fat burning hormone? Or glucagon, fat burning myth?

Read above what glucagon actually does. People will believe that because glucagon is the hormone that breaks down glycogen stores, this same hormone will be able to get rid of fatty tissue also.

Glucagon in studies that don’t involve a petri-dish has been shown it does NOT increase lipolysis (fatty break down). The study quotes that Hyperglucagonemia (HG), (which is a state of excess glucagon secretion): “We conclude that HG per se does not increase interstitial glycerol (and thus lipolysis) in abdominal sc adipose tissue” (11).

You can’t hack your bodies’ physiology and chemistry naturally, much like you can’t hack the awkward toilet moments of someone looking at your LoWang when you go to the John. Unless you’re Chuck Norris.

chucknorristoilet

So what about low carbohydrate high fat diets then?

I’m still a supporter by saying that these are a good way to go when it comes to fat loss if this is what you choose. You don’t have to be extreme and go super low when it comes to cutting carbohydrates but focusing on your protein for instance is of the major things one should look at when wanting to lose fat to maintain their body composition (keep their muscle), and even things like satiety. Insulin isn’t this criminal we make it out to be and as I proved it has benefits.

When the focus is on losing fat the main thing you should focus on is going to naturally be eating less, and that means you’ll have to reduce your macronutrient calories from something. You have 3 choices. Fats, proteins, or carbohydrates.

Fats is still essential for the body and protein is too, so naturally you’ll have to limit carbohydrate intake first, then gradually fats if you want to get on the bodybuilding stage for instance and want to preserve your lean muscle mass.

So what we have here is going to naturally already be a “low carbohydrate intake”. Low is a definition that everyone has their own perceptions of.

Why don’t you want to limit your protein intake and why is it so important when you are losing fat?

  • “High-protein intake may positively impact bone health by several mechanisms, including calcium absorption, stimulation of the secretion of insulin-like growth factor-1, and enhancement of lean body mass” (15).
  • High protein diets preserve muscle mass and has been shown to lead to greater weight loss (16, 17, 18).

If you want more info on the above when it comes to if high protein diets are dangerous or if they are safe and myths surrounding high protein intakes such as osteoporosis check out an article I wrote about that HERE.

Again I want to stress a point here: at the end of the day however, even if your diet plan for fat loss was lower than usual carbohydrate intake you still won’t lose anything if you eat more than you burn. We’ve learnt that insulin does not hold the doors to fat loss and we’ve learnt that insulin is actually an anabolic hormone which can help you.

Not only that, but if you do plan on doing low carbohydrates for a very long period of time, apart from now seeing you’re doing a massive disservice to yourself by limiting insulin if your aim was to gain big muscles, you’ll be missing out on many vitamins and minerals unless you supplement (and for those that are still very extreme about being no carbohydrates for the rest of their life, check out my book on low carbohydrates, ketogenic dieting, which includes supplements to consider, as well as how to go about that HERE).

OKAY, Smart-ass. Then what exactly causes obesity if not insulin?

We’re opening another can of worms and this can be a whole new article in itself but for now I’ll leave you with the following explanation as to what it could be.

I believe it could well be our adaptation to our lifestyle now and the environment in which we live in. Where food is always in abundance and where we all eat in a surplus. The paleo folk would have to agree with this, since when we had to hunt for our foods and forage we never really knew when we were going to eat and it was in our bodies’ best interest to try store as much as possible and to eat as much as possible.

Believe it or not women found fat men attractive not the lean skinny types because they thought of them as better care takers.

Our evolution sees that we are more sedentary also. Genetics? Genetics is your starting point, and while you might have genes of your Mom and Dad, you still can work hard at it to be where you want to be.

Never mind all the extra chemicals and artificial ingredients, toxic stuff we ingest on a daily basis, it’s no wonder our hormones are all mucked up.

At the end of the day though a habit and lifestyle change of an active and healthy life along with good nutrition is always the cure when it comes to obesity.

So what’s the take home message on the insulin myths?

  • Insulin is an anabolic hormone that builds muscle, transports nutrients, lowers blood sugar levels when they get to high and even plays a role in making you feel full.
  • Glucagon is NOT a hormone to burn fat, it is to break down glycogen stores when blood sugar levels are too low. It does NOT encourage fatty break downs (lipolysis)
  • Eating more than you burn, no matter what diet you are on will make you fat. The best way to to measure how much is too much and how little is too little is calories.
  • Carbohydrates aren’t the ONLY thing that spikes insulin levels. Beef can spike insulin just as much as a serving of brown rice and things like an amino acid leucine stimulates the pancreas to release insulin directly.
  • Limiting carbohydrates to zero and having a high fat diet in order to supress insulin so it encourages a greater fat loss is also a myth. The macronutrient fat can still supress the fat burning enzyme HSL.
  • Insulin is NEEDED in the body and without it you can actually die. It’s a healthy thing. Just like with anything if you have an excess, of course it isn’t going to be good!

And there you have it! You’re that much smarter and educated on how insulin, glucagon, and fat loss works! The next time someone says to you when you are eating carbohydrates “oh crap man, you better watch those carbs! You’re going to get fat!” Either A) Be kind and direct them to this article. Or B) (RECOMMENDED) If they’re a fat-pencil-head-geek know it all arm chair expert jump at them (suddenly) and do the monkey knuckles of death to their temple, clasp your hands like a snake and stab them in the penis (or vagina) and watch them writhe around in agony while you enjoy your oat groats.

Jackie Chan seems to choose B. Because an “expert” decided to say all his rice consumption was making him fat. I know this. Because he sent me this video because we are friends. We even went bowling last week. I beat him. (READ: No. Me and Jackie Chan are not friends and no we did not go bowling, But damn that would’ve been cool).

 

NOW, LIKE MY FACEBOOK PAGE BY CLICKING HERE AND SUBSCRIBE ABOVE FOR UPDATES OR I’LL EAT THIS FISH! I SWEAR IT!

Fish insulin myths

My insulin levels might increase by eating this fish. But I don’t care. The fish’s name is Frank. Yes Frank. Remember when I said I was going to eat you last? I lied.

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PAIN DOESNT HURT

 

 

REFERENCES

1) Timmerman, K.L., Et al. (2010). Insulin stimulates human skeletal muscle protein synthesis via an indirect mechanism involving endothelial-dependent vasodilation and mammalian target of rapamycin complex 1 signaling. J Clin Endocrinol Metab. Aug;95(8):3848-57. doi: 10.1210/jc.2009-2696. Epub 2010 May 19.

2) Evans, K., Clark, M.L., Frayn K.N. (1999). Effects of an oral and intravenous fat load on adipose tissue and forearm lipid metabolism. Am J Physiol. Feb;276(2 Pt 1):E241-8.

3) Pliguett, R.U. et al. (2006). The effects of insulin on the central nervous system–focus on appetite regulation. Horm Metab Res. Jul;38(7):442-6.

4) Manfred Hallschmid, S. H. (2012, February 16). Postprandial Administration of Intranasal Insulin Intensifies Satiety and Reduces Intake of Palatable Snacks in Women.

5) Woodend, G. H. (2003, October). Consumption of sugars and the regulation of short-term satiety and food intake.

6) Masaki, T. et al. (2004, May 12). Obesity in insulin receptor substrate-2-deficient mice: disrupted control of arcuate nucleus neuropeptides. Obes Res. (5):878-85.

7) Shiiya, T., M. N.-I. (2002, January 1). Plasma Ghrelin Levels in Lean and Obese Humans and the Effect of Glucose on Ghrelin Secretion.

8) Wellhoener, P., B. F.-S. (2000, March 1). Glucose Metabolism Rather Than Insulin Is a Main Determinant of Leptin Secretion in Humans.

9) Holt, S.H., Miller, J.C., Petocz. (1997, November). An insulin index of foods: the insulin demand generated by 1000-kj portions of common foods. Am J Clin Nutr. 66(5):1264-76.

10) Yang, J. et al. (2010, May). Leucine metabolism in regulation of insulin secretion from pancreatic beta cells. Nutr Rev. doi: 10.1111/j.1753-4887.2010.00282.x.

11) Grabholt, C.H. et al. (2001, May). Physiological levels of glucagon do not influence lipolysis in abdominal adipose tissue as assessed by microdialysis. J Clin Endocrinol Metab. 86(5):2085-9.

12) Lee, S. et al. (2004, March). Viral expression of insulin-like growth factor-I enhances muscle hypertrophy in resistance-trained rats. J Appl Physiol (1985). 96(3):1097-104.

13) Fryburg, D.A., et al. (1995, October). Insulin and insulin-like growth factor-I enhance human skeletal muscle protein anabolism during hyperaminoacidemia by different mechanisms. J Clin Invest. 96(4):1722-9.

14) Machida, S., Booth, F.W. (2004, May). Insulin-like growth factor 1 and muscle growth: implication for satellite cell proliferation. Proc Nutr Soc. 63(2):337-40.

15) Kerstetter, J.E., Kenny, A.M., Insogna, K.L. (2011). Dietary protein and skeletal health: A review of recent human research.

16) Sorensen, L.B., Soe, M., Halkier, K.H., Stigsby, B., Astrup, A. (2012). Effects of increased dietary protein-to-carbohydrate ratios in women with polycystic ovary syndrome.

17) Layman, D.K., E. Evans., J.I. Baum, J. Seyler, D.J. Erickson, R.A. Boileau. (2005). Dietary protein and exercise have additive effects on body composition during weight loss in adult women.

18) Phillips, S. (2006). Dietary protein for athletes: from requirements to metabolic advantage.

Ceps Weston Domingo is a personal trainer and nutritional consultant, and best selling author of the 30 day paleo weight loss plan, 30 day paleo slow cooker recipe cookbook, and  The ketogenic diet weight loss plan and recipe cookbook: How to lose weight fast, meal plans and 50 recipes the low carbohydrate way

 

Copyright © Ceps Weston Domingo

 

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5 Comments

  • Christen

    Reply Reply July 26, 2014

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    • CepsWeston

      Reply Reply July 31, 2014

      Gracias Christen!

  • RichardFondler

    Reply Reply January 29, 2015

    Like everyone else, I was very interested in how these different substances affect stored fat, how they interact with each other, where they are produced, and what their specific rolls are. Some of this information was known to me, but a good deal of it was not. Thanks very much for taking the time to compose this article. About halfway through reading everything on this page, I was compelled to learn a bit more about the pancreas before finishing this article. So I did. I found a bunch of studies regarding the info presented here, but written in a much more formal way, of course. Before I came back to finish this article, I got hungry and went out to grab something to eat, and while my mouth was still stuffed full of food, I realized how strange it was that I was eating on auto-pilot without a single though as to how it related to my current research, and how I was inadvertently experiencing so much of what I had just been reading, but without any premeditation or conscious thought. That, was odd. So before I finished that mouthful, I put the remainder of food away, and left the Asian market where I’d purchased it. However, on my way to the car I was asked by a fellow shopper who said in semi-broken English: “Do you know where is it, the DMV?”. I began to reply, and noticed how strikingly attractive the Asian girl was. I said, “Yes, it’s less than a mile from here, can I draw you a map? You might need it, because there are probably a half-dozen turns needed, and two of those streets are not clearly marked”. She said yes, and as I was writing it on the back of a receipt, I was thinking less about getting the map right, and more about how she touched my arm just a moment earlier. You see, women don’t do much by accident or coincidence. There are quite a few “green light” situations which can easily go unnoticed and unrecognized by unaware men. And as far as I could tell, she’d just given me a pretty obvious green-light.

    Normally, I’d have engaged in some typical pre-flirting conversation to gauge her level of interest, but she made it fairly clear, and even began doing that “unflinching gaze whilst smiling” thing they do to further drive the point home, so why bother? I assumed this one was going to be shockingly easy. I decided to throw caution to the wind, because I’d much rather regret something I did, than something I’d wished I had acted upon…as the saying goes. So I crumpled up the directions I had been drawing, and told her I would drive her there myself, and wait for her while she did her business, and then drive her back to her car afterwards. That’s all I said, but of course I planned to ask her out for a drink whilst driving there, or perhaps on the way back. Amazingly, she not only offered no opposition to my plan, but seemed very enthusiastic. NICE! (I thought to myself)

    This insulin research would have to wait, because for all I knew, I was about to be testicles-deep in this tiny Asian princess within just a few hours. Or, so I thought.

    How doubly shocking it can be, when a situation is so completely anticipated to be one of the highlights of the entire month…before turning into a disaster of a magnitude which rivals some of the worst things which have happened in your life, ever.

    Imagine my delight when the subtle (yet highly revealing) physical contact continued as I drove her to the DMV. She not only continued staring at me in that brutally obvious flirting manner, but also touched my leg many times while driving. Near the end of the drive, she was no longer even attempting to make it subtle any more, with bold and clear signs, touching, body language, and downright forward flirting and compliments. I was simultaneously flattered, thrilled, and aroused! This was going swimmingly! (where that adjective comes from, and how it relates to something going well, is unknown to me)

    We arrived, and after an even more seductive bit of leg-touching as she said “I’ll be right back…don’t go anywhere”, she entered the building. Immediately, I began going through the usual self-diagnostic checklist. Food in teeth? Check. Hair? Check. Hands clean? Check. Stains/food on clothing? Check. Breath? Oopps! No good. Fish breath from what I had been eating. Got gum? Check. And lastly, the genitalia-fragrancy check, which I fortunately was able to completely disregard as I’d showered not even two hours ago, so I was able to skip the task of plunging a finger into my unmentionables in order to test the ripeness of those fleshy bits.

    My anticipation was growing. I could not believe how exciting this was, despite how active a year it had already been for me. It was like in late High School, when things magically came together perfectly, which of course didn’t happen on every single date. But when it did, it was a most excellent flavor of excitement. This was that same exact situation, where you cannot help but be overtly delighted at how wonderfully and symmetrically all the parts are falling into place, almost effortlessly. Oh thank the good heavens above for these fairly uncommon moments of serendipitous joy!

    Just before the predictable onset of boredom, which I feared might happened since our local DMV is always crowded, she came walking out. OH JOY! And as she did, I could not help but notice her a little differently from a distance than I had when we were face to face. She was quite a vision. Small,yes. But perfectly proportional and seemingly without any real “deal-breaker” flaws that I could see, or even any insignificant flaws either. Nice! Fairly stylish too, considering the casual setting where I met her. She walked with purpose, yet didn’t seem rushed. This speaks volumes, as it illustrates she is aware that eyes are upon her. As she entered the passenger side, I was of course curious as to what her first words would be. I was thrilled to her “So, did you miss me”? Come on, who says that if they are not interested? OH HAPPY DAYS, I said within my dreadfully happy mind. As I started the car, my mind was working overtime on what I was going to say, and what I was going to suggest as an alternative to simply dropping her off at her car, asking for her number, and driving away. Remember, no regrets! As potentially dangerous as being overly-forward could be, I was willing to take that risk. I could think of dozens of times where similar situations ended up yielding nothing more than a few hurried phone conversations, and never seeing them in person again. So, why not? Let’s do it!!!

    I suggested, in the most non-threatening way I could muster, that should follow me to my house for an after-meal drink, since it was nearly evening, and since she had also been eating at the market prior to meeting her. Oh those horrible and awkward seconds before the response! “Ok, but what have you got to drink”!

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha! Yes Yes Yes!!!!! Oh glorious and fantastic beams of shimmering light upon me from on high!

    The rest of the conversation was of no importance. Well, not at first. We chatted, flirted, and even engaged in some less-than-disguised innuendo during the drive home. I played it cool, and allowed her to be the one escalating the amount of suggestive and seductive talk, which she did to a degree which I had not expected, and as we got closer to home, to a point which I had never experienced before. All subtlety was gone, and she was nearly at the point where I’d be inclined to think it was approaching excessive levels, but not quite. Was she perhaps a former Catholic School girl? We’ve all experienced hyper-promiscuity before, but usually that was in nighttime social situations. This specific scenario was unknown to me. Why on earth was she being this way? Should I be worried?

    One thing I knew as surely as the sun would rise tomorrow….PROTECTION WOULD NOT BE OPTIONAL!

    Sadly, I must admit the brutally forward behavior on her part did indeed lesson the bliss slightly. I could not help but wonder how many lads she’d put in this same situation. There is something to be said for the “the chase”, which she effectively eliminated via her conversation on the way home. The tipping point was when the topic of “rim jobs” followed sushi restaurant recommendations. Oh well. Nothing is ever perfect in every way. The phrase “My collection of anal toys” just didn’t seem right coming out of her lovely mouth. Yes, turns out it was too good to be true after all. However, do we reject pennies from heaven? Do we waste precious resources simply because we feel their quality is beneath us? Who’d do such a thing? Children are starving overseas, dammit! OF COURSE I was going to pummel this minuscule object of far-east near-perfection. To not do so, would be wasteful, egotistic, and moderately sinful. Waste not, want not, right?

    And so we arrived. As expected, just milliseconds after closing the front door our lips and bodies were one, as they say. While on the one hand I wished that the sex-free getting-to-know-you period had been much longer, my current level of arousal dictated a pace to match hers. Which was “full steam ahead”. I only wish I’d had a dirty sock nearby to stuff into her wicked cake-hole. She was definitely one of those types who appear much lovelier when shameful sailor-caliber filth isn’t spewing from their otherwise-adorable mouths.

    It was little surprise to me that the core act began right there in the hallway without even fully undressing. Such is life. A half hour earlier, I had the feeling this would end up being memorable, but because of this slightly foul turn of events, it was to be memorable more for its animalistic belligerence than its perfection. Oh well. Game on!

    Though we’d arrived at my home just minutes ago, and despite my meal from earlier causing some fairly substantial gastric distress, we were already at the main course. Boy this is going to be awkward when we finish, I thought. Just then, the loudest and most violent beating upon the door began assaulting our ears. “What cinematically horrible timing”, I said aloud, trying to be witty. “Oh shit” she whispered, causing me to slowly begin to grasp the weight of the situation. Things like: “jealous boyfriend”, “Pimp”, and “angry drug dealer” were racing through my blood-deprived mind. Had I locked the front door? This was answered immediately when a large, tattooed, hostile Hispanic uber-male entered uninvited. As if he didn’t seem crazed enough from the quality of his door-banging and yells of “Astrinasia” (ya, that was this horrible mistake’s chosen name. Never found out what her legitimate birth name was), seeing her half-dressed against the wall with my now-unleaded pencil inside of his comically-named girlfriend kicked it up a few notches. There was only enough time for her to say “NO, Don’t…” before I was flying through the air. As I landed, the digestive problems from earlier exploded into monochromatic modern-art which was on the floor beneath me, on my person, and on the wall to the right. I had no idea the sensations of pain, shame, embarrassment, anger, and nausea could be felt simultaneously. In stark contrast to the overall mood just seconds earlier, both Astrinasia and her roid-rage friend/partner began to laugh at my situation, uncontrollably. It went on for what seemed like many minutes. They then turned to leave, and despite how horrific a situation this ordeal had turned into, I was at least happy it was reaching the end, and I’d be able to move on. Thinking it was over, I started looking for something to begin the task of wiping up all of this semi-digested butt-bile which covered several square meters of floor and wall space. I was shocked and horrified to see the nameless monster returning just a moment later. I feared that I was about to be beaten further, when he took out his phone and grabbed a picture of my muddy plight on the floor. Again, much laughter ensued from both of them. Fortunately, they then left.

    What have we learned here? Well, basically, I was most curious as to how the fish I consumed earlier contributed to that explosive diarrhea, and how an individual’s insulin levels are affected by raw fish.

    Many thanks in advance for your input.

    Sincerely,
    Richard Goldbarb

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