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Why I’ve forsaken paleo diets and took my Paleo book down

Paleo. You can see in my early posts (some of which were just finding my “voice” and other random amusing tidbits I thought at the time that I now look back and think are probably retarded in some way), that I advocated paleo, and I even wrote two books on the topic.

Paleobook1

It’s been a good run all these years

One of which I still have out there with slow cooking recipes which I still think provides great value (but I probably need to completely re-do and will in the future when I can be bothered because I was writing for the general audience…and…that ain’t me, I talk how I want, and I want a book filled with sexual innuendos in the description for recipes, plus I hate the paleo label on it), and the other was a detailed book on how to lose weight and be healthy on a paleo diet. I also wrote a book on ketogenic diets, and that is for another time.

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I’ve wrote a few books as you can see

I want to discuss my paleo diet book and why I decided to take it down and lament my hatred towards the paleo diets today…So without further ado…Here’s my thoughts on the following;

Paleo diets suck, and why I’ve taken my Paleo book down

Here’s the thing…Before “Paleo” came out, I was preaching clean living and eating. I lived a pretty spartan lifestyle, where I had nothing but “healthy” foods, abstained from alcohol, abstained from processed junk foods, and stuck with only fresh meats (with the fat on them), vegetables, fruits, and I drank plenty of water. What did I call this diet?

Clean living

dirty-man-3

Well. Some dirty living isn’t such a bad thing. I did have pizzas here and there and did have some red wine. What does that got to do with this picture other than being dirty?…Well, if I feasted my eyes on a pizza as much as you would on the greatness of this picture, you’d probably agree with the dirty living not being so bad at times thing.

When it came to weight loss and weight gain, I was, and still am, preaching calories. Call it whatever you want. But you eat more than you need to utilize you’ll get fat. Period. Calories happen to be the best tool we have today to gauge how much we should be eating (especially those who have an appetite so big, they don’t know when to stop and they’ll risk exploding like that guy off big trouble in little China). I believed eating the Clean living style to be great for this…

And then paleo came along…

At first, there was no issues with this. It was pretty much another word to describe my clean living style way of eating. All was well. All made sense. Eat fresh foods, drink plenty of water. Just with the added twist of “cavemen and the hot cavewomen with the boots and the furrrrr didn’t eat the crap with all the ingredients we have today! We must emulate them!” Again, no issues there.

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This is probably one of the most interesting porn stories that I’ve never watched…and will. I can see the one liners now…”It’s one small step for man, and one giant cock for teenage cave women”

BUT THEN!

IT ALL GOT SO COMPLICATED AND STUPID, ALL THESE STUPID VARIATIONS WAS SPAWNED! And paleo became something so stupidly restrictive I find myself for a loss of words to articulate as to why the people believing they should cut this and that out was as stupid for believing in the variations of paleo they held so dearly. It became a cult, no worse than veganism. Here’s some examples!

STUPID names/variations of paleo diets

Faileo: Low-fat turkey stuff. Chicken breast without the skin as an example. They’re big on their nut brownies

Archevore: Avoid all gluten and excess fructose and n6 fatty acids. Apparently these were the neolithic agents of diseases.

Raw Paleo: Eat everything raw, including the meats

Whole30: A paleo diet where you restrict things and don’t have any “cheat” stuff for 30 days.

Primal: No dairy, lots of saturated fat. You might also be fasting while on this.

Paleo Keto: Combine a paleo diet with a ketogenic diet

Low Reward: Seasonings are off limits as well as flavors. Apparently to decrease overeating.

Rosedale Diet: Low protein and carbohydrates. High fat. This is apparently for longevity and weight loss.

Vegan paleo: Vegans that are paleo?

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Donno what vegan paleo would be but I would venture to say the people practicing it aren’t to dissimilar to this person.

And the list goes on….

Some things that you’re supposed to restrict on a paleo diet otherwise you’ll die of aids.

Things you have to restrict are not limited to these;

  • Potatoes
  • Pasta
  • Rice
  • Oats
  • Beans
  • Alcohol
  • Bread 
  • Fruit (Depending which variation you’re on)
  • Nuts (depending which variation you’re on)
  • Dairy
  • All other forms of grains

Rice you say?!!! Being part Asian, if you keep me away from my rice, I’m sure Italians would share the same sentiment if you restrict them with their pasta when I say, you’re going to deserve a lynching!

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Pretty much my reaction if someone tells me not to eat my rice.

Alright now, why exactly is this stupid and has made me take my book down?

If you still fail to see why it’s stupid already, and I feel the only people that see this are going to be the ones that are on one of those paleo variations, then, let me explain with two reasons. To explain the first reason, let’s play a quick game.

The rule is simple. Go back to the variation list. Pick one of the names on the list. Remember that name. Next, pick at least five (you can use the whole list if you want) of the food that are supposed to be restricted.

Got those two things sorted? Great. Next, pick the phrase that best matches you;

A) Because cavemen/cavewomen didn’t eat it

B) Because So-and-so author of that diet says so

C) Because my parents hate me, and I’m an idiot

Got that phrase? Excellent.

Now to play the game, imagine you’re going on a date with someone, an aye yai yai  hot senor or senorita, or not, a super ugly fat troll that lives under the bridge if you prefer (seeing as, that’s what some people are into now days, with fit shaming and all), whatever, just name it, and you take this person to a fancy all you can eat restaurant. The best. But!!! With those three things you had picked! ISN’T IT FUN!!!!?!

So, let’s say in my case, I pick Primal as my paleo variation. Next we’ll use the entire list of forbidden foods, and we’ll use phrase A. I’ll also pick the more hotter, sexy senorita type of lady, and since she’s so frigging hot, that everyone can’t help but to look, her name is simply, she. That’s right. I’m going on a date with someone that hot when SHE walks in the room SHE is VIP. booyah. Score.

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Yeah, my chicka so hot and bad, she got Einsteins turning into retards.

Well here we go. It’s Tuesday. And I take this Fyne mamasita out to lunch to an all you can eat 5 star joint, because, I’m just that damn awesome. We get there. So far so good. She plays a little footsy with me under the table and whispears in my ear “she’s going to rock my world so hard that can only be comparable to the big bang”. Well sign me the fudge up!

Then this is when it goes downhill. Waiter comes and gives us the menu. I tell the waiter straight away I want pizza, I want the best wine for both of us, and I’ll go on ahead and put the dessert on standby for after I’m done with this delicious meal. Waiter nods and agrees. Then asks, She, what she wants. She replies “oh I’m fasting, and not having anything till dinner, but since I’m here, I’ll just have…uh..does that steak come with all the butter you have?” Butter? the waiter replies? “yeah, butter. Just give me a block of your cooking butter and the steak and I’ll be fine”.

Can’t help but to ask, I had to ask why the butter and why just the steak when…the resturant we’re at has a long waiting list and it took me a great effort to book it. “Oh I’m Primal. I’m not allowed to eat anything else on the menu other than the steak” So what about the butter? “Oh the butter is full of saturated fat, and you can never have too much of it the more the better” Okay, so you can’t have the pasta even if it’s gluten free? You can’t have (insert carb food here)? “No. Carbs make you fat and they’ll cause the diabetus”. Are you seriously going to eat that block of butter? “Yeah, why? It’s okay we can share”. Okay, but why exactly are those foods forbidden? “Oh because cavewomen and men didn’t eat them”…according to the guy who made you, uh, primal?? “Yeah.”

At this point I’m a bit infuriated…but okay I convince myself at least she won’t go stealing all my pizza slices, and she can enjoy the wine which cost me a good few.

“Well, my primal lady.”

“Reow”

“Here’s to great food, health and one of the world’s oldest beverages, cheers…wait. Why aren’t you drinking?”

“Because I’m primal and cavemen and women didn’t drink alcohol”

“….uh…they kind of did (this will be for another blog post), it goes way back in the BC”

“I disagree, plus it’s not primal”.

And just like that, my bonerific boner is now dissipated. Nope, I’ve had enough. We part ways and never see each other again….Probably after the sex. Which will be great. Because I rule.

But anyway, with that being said, first reason is because something that was so simple, became something so complicated and restrictive, it’s beyond ridiculous.

And the 2nd reason?

I’m no archaeologist, and neither are most people on most parts of the internet, despite them claiming to be Indiana Jones and that goes for 99% of all the people espousing a paleo diet. I do know a few facts however. Way back when we were cavemen and women we were opportunists and did everything we could to survive.

That means eating grains when meat and other sustenance was short, eating tubers such as potatoes, domesticating animals, breeding them, looking after them, using every single part of them for nourishment (milk, eating the organs, cooking the bones etc), to further survival, picking berries and fruits, vegetables wherever possible and trying to make everything easier to eat and process by cooking methods of the time, whether that would be hand milling, grinding vegetables by hand and using fire, and I’m sure they also ate insects, frogs etc.

Foods back then didn’t have all the crappy ingredients and chemicals we have today, and fermentation used to be a thing back in the BC. It is now, with the advent of paleo for whatever reason, back in the spotlight like it’s groundbreaking science. Fermentation by the way is what the Chinese used to make one of the earliest forms of wine with rice.

Also, on the topic of fasting (and this deserves it’s own series of posts but I’m just going to go off the topic of fasting and go back to paleo right now), it was a necessary thing that was FORCED, when people couldn’t get food back then through hunting or foraging for whatever reason. It wasn’t something that was willingly done. One can argue, because of this, this is what mother nature then intended humans to do, but I disagree. We can live without carbohydrates, fats and some might even tell you proteins (which I’d highly doubt long term), if we include two of the other macronutrients but it certainly isn’t optimal to do. We can certainly survive a day, and days without food, but that isn’t optimal either especially for someone who trains, and is active all the time.

Micronutrients are just as important as macronutrients, y’knw, those good ol vitamins that help with the small (but really big) things? Calcium, magnesium, as examples that help with muscle contraction. I’m not talking about just lifting weights either, I’m talking about your organ muscles such as your heart. After all, that contracts all the time. You’re obviously going to do yourself a major disservice in many ways if you’re going to exert yourself when needed, and when food is available willingly abstain, because, y’knw, some guy/gal wrote a book on it and said so.

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You should trust this man because he wrote a book, and has no chest hair. Probably no penis either.

If you were in the paleo times, your day will include going on a time consuming hunting trip, and beating a wilderbeast that in 2016 no longer exists for your requirements, potentially samson-I-just-beat-a-whole-army-with-a-jawbone-of-the-ass-style, drag that heavy motherfudger back to camp for your tribe, harem, and self, start butchering the whole thing (and trust me, that takes some energy to start cutting up an animal by hand), cook it, do other necessary survival chores like, I donno, Sex, set traps for the anusholes who may decide to mess with you and/or your tribe, sex, help build stuff that’s broken or is needed due to seasonal changes, sex, and prepare for some weird ass ritual dance thing at night that probably ends in an orgy. Also sex.

Giant-Monkey

Apes are anusholes…and what’s worse is that they plagued us before. Imagine if you were to hunt this thing for nourishment “Fasting” and having no carbs/proteins/fats willingly because of some guy told you to be vegan paleo primal.

That sounds like a long, long day to me, and you’re going to need all the energy you can get, daily. Maybe someone people can live off photosynthesis of the sun and make their strength and muscles grow, but I for one certainly cannot. Strength is might in those times, and I still say it is today. You’re going to grow weaker every day you fail and not eat, and expend energy trying to find a good source of sustenance. While this is happening, predators, other people from other tribes will grow stronger, and you’re doomed.

Now, back today present time; while I might agree that today everyone is lazy and some people have so much fat on them, they might resemble something in paleo times that belongs in the sea, and could do with a lot less food, we’re all human, and if you’re expected to put in any type of physical activity on a daily basis, you better have foods to support that activity. Food in excess is what makes us fat plain and simple. And assuming good health, Calories do matter, end of story. Whether you eat one meal or 5, and have them at 1pm, 5pm, or whatever time, at the end of the day, eat less and lose weight, eat more, gain more. If you take a food group/macronutrient out completely out of your life you’re going to be deficient and you’re going to have to supplement with what you’re deficient, and if you have to supplement with so many things that can be easily solved by eating a certain food, what does that say, really, about your almighty eating plan?

Too long didn’t read?

So basically the two reasons I decided to forsaken paleo diets, and take my paleo book down is for two reasons;

  1. It’s restrictive as heck and you’re missing out on nutrients. It’s complicated and with so many variations out there it’s become a joke. What was something as simple as “eat fresh meat, fruits and vegetables, drink plenty of water, don’t over consume alcohol, and watch your food intake if you want to lose weight” became some horrible lab experiment gone wrong.
  2. Because I certainly don’t want to date anyone that’s so stupid to fall into such a way of eating. It’s become a frigging cult
  3. Yes, I know I said I had two reasons but I feel compelled to make a 3rd; I don’t want my name, and reputation associated anymore with paleo because of the two reasons above. Readers of paindoesnthurt.com which includes my own personal training clients deserve the best information, no bullshit, no filler, and if I think it’s bullshit and not worth your time, then I will tell you so and I do not want anything to do with what will waste your time, money and health.

Paleo dieting to me is dead. Once again, the paleo slow cooker cookbook is still up on amazon but the paleo weight loss book is taken down.

Now, go like the PainDoesntHurt Facebook page if you’re equally a rebel for life.

 

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